A Backward Glance

Sometimes looking back is the only way to move forward. Yet, I detest how my mind relives awful moments, looping repeatedly as I experience them again and again.  Old emotions come flooding back as my body recreates the stress.

So I tend to avoid dwelling on the past, keeping its doors tightly closed and marking them "OFF LIMITS". 

Lately, though,  God has been bringing past struggles to my mind.  He gently nudges me, telling me that He was with me through all the yukky things I have been through.  He helps me realize that I came through that stuff , because of Him.  He wants me to give him glory for where  I am today despite what yesterday was like. 

So today, I give my God praise for bringing me through divorce with a newborn in my arms, for providing for me financially, I thank Him for holding me  and my baby girl close during the  dark days following my ex-husband's suicide.
Grief following  the accident which claimed my dad's life ,caused me to wonder how I could go on. And yet God pulled me along, my feet dragging as I resisted moving forward.

 God was caring for my family as we struggled with step family issues that nearly destroyed our marriage.  We are now coping with the challenges of our special son with autism . God is navigating us through the scary waters of transitioning our son into adulthood.  My husband and I are still together and enjoy the special bond of love that deepens through the storms. 
God has brought us through  dark times of grief as our daughter lost 2 children through miscarriage.
 We had to release precious grand babies into the arms of Jesus, knowing we will hold them in heaven one day.  But we are still here, committed to Jesus and to each other.  I can't imagine it being humanly possible after all the harsh words spoken, all the anger at God and each other.   But here  we are, and here He is, allowing us to glorify and praise Him , pointing others to His waiting, loving arms. Loving God makes the past a treasure and the future an adventure. 

My Heart's Desire

I know there are wonderful people in this world who actually seek to become the parents of special needs children.  I'm not one of them.
I remind God way too often that I didn't sign on for this!  I'm not patient enough, nor do I have the boundless energy and optimism required to make it through just one day parenting my son.  I speak God's promise back to Him (without much reverence), " Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."  My desire was not to raise someone with so many challenges and God is well aware of that.  He made me and knows me better than I know myself. 

But I did sign on to follow Jesus and share in His suffering. I told Him I wanted to bring Him glory and be used to help others.  Just not this way.

I came to Christ as a child and I began to sense the Holy Spirit's presence.  I "knew" that I would do a unique work for the Lord, something considered great.  You can imagine my excitement as I grew up watching for big doors to open, leading to my instant success in the world of believers. God had something else in mind.
 A special child grew not in my womb, but in my heart.   My empty arms ached for this baby and his cries awakened me at night.  Pillows wet with tears and heartsick, I BEGGED God to relieve me of this burden to have another child.  Eight long years later, God filled my arms with  a 5 day old baby boy who could barely move, much less take a bottle.
 My life  now consists of doing whatever it takes to help our Sam succeed.  Not much "greatness" is attached to what I do.  Many days survival is all I can hope for.  Yet I treasure this gift from God.  Sam has taught me so much and I wouldn't take a million dollars for the blessing of being his mom.

God, in His gentle, subtle way, has made me aware that He has most definitely given me the desires of my heart.  He knows I prefer a bunch of drooping dandelions; not a flawless bouquet of roses.

Thank you Father, for always being right! 

not just the crumbs

Dandelion Moms, past and present, are on my heart and in my prayers today. I pray that God will turn our weariness into joy, our confusion into power and love, and our fears into faith. Moms, we are just as special to our Lord as our kids are to us.

The mom in Matthew 15:21-28, was on a mission. She wanted her child to be whole and happy. She was all too aware that by worldly standards, she should not approach Jesus. But love for her child propelled her to His side, begging for healing. Jesus' response was shocking. He turned her away, saying that He had not been sent to minister to her kind. His "food" was not for this precious mom, at this time. Not only was this mom determined, she was quick on her feet. She reminded our Lord that even the dogs ate the crumbs from the table. Jesus rewarded her persistence with the complete healing of her daughter.

I have to tell you, I will not be satisfied with what drops from the table. I want the whole banquet of blessing. I am asking God for His very best for both of my children, my husband, my grandchild and myself. My entire family. I challenge each of you precious moms to do the same. Let's open our hands, dropping all the stuff that hinders us, like anger, fear, bitterness and negativity. Now our empty hands are ready to receive the blessings He has waiting for us.

Our Creator, who numbers the hairs of our heads, is tenderly caring for us and our kids today. May we accept, by faith, the full feast of favor at the Father's table. I love you all!!!

Hi Dandelion Moms!

Feels good to blog again after a long, dry spell! These dry, barren spots have also shown up in my spiritual life lately. This morning, God led me to Isaiah 54 and I thought back on one of Marcus' sermons. (more on this later)

I find it sooo easy to praise God during fertile times of plenty. I can relax, confidently reaping bountiful blessings. Then comes the drought. My green fields turn beige, cracking wide open. I draw into a tight ball of fear, doubt, and hopelessness. Misery! I want my default response to be the same as in plenty: confidence and hope in the Lord, walking by faith and not by sight.

The Marcus sermon on Is. 54 (v 1-2) explained how even in unproductive seasons, God wants me to praise Him, stretch myself spiritually, and strengthen my relationships. Even when I hurt. Especially when I hurt. Results God promises are in v 3 . God will expand His use of me, and my kids will inherit the nations! Verse 13 (and following) gets even better. My children will be taught by the Lord and they will have peace, free from terror and far from destruction or oppression. Loving that!

Dear God, "Remind me to worship while I'm waiting" for your works to be seen. Thank you for placing others in my life to hold me accountable. Let me love You more. In Jesus name!

God's Waiting Room

Our connect group topic for last week was to have been WAITING. We have spent time thanking God for His gift to us in the form of our special kids. Then we focused on dreaming BIG for our children, which is really discovering God's dreams for them. Keeping hope alive through God's Word,became the next leg of our journey. At that point, I could almost see transformation just around the next bend in the road. But God does not follow our timeline. After we have expressed thankfulness, asked Him how to pray, and repeated His promises back to Him, we wait. And wait. And wait. Does God want us to just sit and do nothing while we wait? Jesus provides a comfortable lap to sit in as we wait. He whispers tender words, holding us close. All cares melt away in His embrace. Our eyes close, our cheeks flush,we breathe the sigh of little ones as dreamland overtakes them. The Lord may gently nudge us, encouraging us to look around . His" waiting room" has become a place of activity. We are aware of people to care for and pray for. Our kids need our attention. God's plan for them is also part of His plan for their moms. We are the lifeline He uses to perform His purposes in their lives. God is transforming us, step by agonizing step, into strong warriors, advocates for our children, witnesses for Him. Waiting is an action word. As we anticipate seeing His glorious plan unfold, may He give us hearts to love Him more.

Dream BIG

In His Word, God has provided wonderful examples of moms who dreamed big for their kids. Both Jochebed and Hannah had every reason to feel defeated, and wallow in self pity. I pray their courage and obedience will inspire us to stand strong, believing God, and patiently waiting for His plan to unfold. As we look to God, may we see a glimpse of the finished-side of the tapestry He is weaving!

Thanking God for our Gift

Dandelions, pesky weeds to some, are immediately eradicated from our lawns. But if left to grow and flourish, both plant and flower can function in various ways. The leaves can be cooked and eaten and the flowers have medicinal value for certain aliments. These yellow blooms then become intricate puffballs, ensuring the growth of new dandelion plants.

Our kids, without fail, will see the beauty in the small yellow blossom. Chubby hands clutching the stem, our young ones come running, anxious to present mommy with a wonderful gift. We accept the yellow weed with thankfulness, honoring it in a vase for all to admire.

God has given each of us a dandelion in the form of our challenged child. "Children are a gift from the Lord" ( Psalm 127:3) We can choose to accept His precious gift or toss it aside as a weed. As moms, we nurture our special gift, and with God's help, provide water, food, and rich soil. We love our kids and meet their unique needs as God provides direction. Then, when blossoms morph into puffballs, we gently blow and in the whisper of a moment, the gift God gave us, now spreads His love and glory to the world. Thank you God for the wonderful gift of my son!