A Backward Glance

Sometimes looking back is the only way to move forward. Yet, I detest how my mind relives awful moments, looping repeatedly as I experience them again and again.  Old emotions come flooding back as my body recreates the stress.

So I tend to avoid dwelling on the past, keeping its doors tightly closed and marking them "OFF LIMITS". 

Lately, though,  God has been bringing past struggles to my mind.  He gently nudges me, telling me that He was with me through all the yukky things I have been through.  He helps me realize that I came through that stuff , because of Him.  He wants me to give him glory for where  I am today despite what yesterday was like. 

So today, I give my God praise for bringing me through divorce with a newborn in my arms, for providing for me financially, I thank Him for holding me  and my baby girl close during the  dark days following my ex-husband's suicide.
Grief following  the accident which claimed my dad's life ,caused me to wonder how I could go on. And yet God pulled me along, my feet dragging as I resisted moving forward.

 God was caring for my family as we struggled with step family issues that nearly destroyed our marriage.  We are now coping with the challenges of our special son with autism . God is navigating us through the scary waters of transitioning our son into adulthood.  My husband and I are still together and enjoy the special bond of love that deepens through the storms. 
God has brought us through  dark times of grief as our daughter lost 2 children through miscarriage.
 We had to release precious grand babies into the arms of Jesus, knowing we will hold them in heaven one day.  But we are still here, committed to Jesus and to each other.  I can't imagine it being humanly possible after all the harsh words spoken, all the anger at God and each other.   But here  we are, and here He is, allowing us to glorify and praise Him , pointing others to His waiting, loving arms. Loving God makes the past a treasure and the future an adventure. 

My Heart's Desire

I know there are wonderful people in this world who actually seek to become the parents of special needs children.  I'm not one of them.
I remind God way too often that I didn't sign on for this!  I'm not patient enough, nor do I have the boundless energy and optimism required to make it through just one day parenting my son.  I speak God's promise back to Him (without much reverence), " Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."  My desire was not to raise someone with so many challenges and God is well aware of that.  He made me and knows me better than I know myself. 

But I did sign on to follow Jesus and share in His suffering. I told Him I wanted to bring Him glory and be used to help others.  Just not this way.

I came to Christ as a child and I began to sense the Holy Spirit's presence.  I "knew" that I would do a unique work for the Lord, something considered great.  You can imagine my excitement as I grew up watching for big doors to open, leading to my instant success in the world of believers. God had something else in mind.
 A special child grew not in my womb, but in my heart.   My empty arms ached for this baby and his cries awakened me at night.  Pillows wet with tears and heartsick, I BEGGED God to relieve me of this burden to have another child.  Eight long years later, God filled my arms with  a 5 day old baby boy who could barely move, much less take a bottle.
 My life  now consists of doing whatever it takes to help our Sam succeed.  Not much "greatness" is attached to what I do.  Many days survival is all I can hope for.  Yet I treasure this gift from God.  Sam has taught me so much and I wouldn't take a million dollars for the blessing of being his mom.

God, in His gentle, subtle way, has made me aware that He has most definitely given me the desires of my heart.  He knows I prefer a bunch of drooping dandelions; not a flawless bouquet of roses.

Thank you Father, for always being right!