My Heart's Desire

I know there are wonderful people in this world who actually seek to become the parents of special needs children.  I'm not one of them.
I remind God way too often that I didn't sign on for this!  I'm not patient enough, nor do I have the boundless energy and optimism required to make it through just one day parenting my son.  I speak God's promise back to Him (without much reverence), " Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."  My desire was not to raise someone with so many challenges and God is well aware of that.  He made me and knows me better than I know myself. 

But I did sign on to follow Jesus and share in His suffering. I told Him I wanted to bring Him glory and be used to help others.  Just not this way.

I came to Christ as a child and I began to sense the Holy Spirit's presence.  I "knew" that I would do a unique work for the Lord, something considered great.  You can imagine my excitement as I grew up watching for big doors to open, leading to my instant success in the world of believers. God had something else in mind.
 A special child grew not in my womb, but in my heart.   My empty arms ached for this baby and his cries awakened me at night.  Pillows wet with tears and heartsick, I BEGGED God to relieve me of this burden to have another child.  Eight long years later, God filled my arms with  a 5 day old baby boy who could barely move, much less take a bottle.
 My life  now consists of doing whatever it takes to help our Sam succeed.  Not much "greatness" is attached to what I do.  Many days survival is all I can hope for.  Yet I treasure this gift from God.  Sam has taught me so much and I wouldn't take a million dollars for the blessing of being his mom.

God, in His gentle, subtle way, has made me aware that He has most definitely given me the desires of my heart.  He knows I prefer a bunch of drooping dandelions; not a flawless bouquet of roses.

Thank you Father, for always being right!